A Life Worth Living
by Search4thetrurth
Summary: Jack looks back on his life....dark fic very much so. Deals with heavy stuff. You have been warned.


Jack walked out of his apartment out on to the chilly December night. He wrapped his tan hoodie around himself and looked up at the sky, and saw a million twinkling stars. 'One of those must be Audrey' he thought. As he looked up at the night sky, he thought of all the people he lost. Audrey, George, Teri, Michelle, and Tony. He even lost his daughter. She wasn't dead, but he was to her.

Jack remembered getting into a fight with his father when he was younger and shouting 'I HATE YOU DAD'. After he said that, his father looked at him and told him that children never hate their parents. Kim hated him, so could that be? But was he even a father to Kim? He was always at work, trying to save the world. His work took up so much of his life that he missed much of Kim's, and that killed him. When Kim was 7, she had caught the chicken pox, but he had had to work, and couldn't be home to be with his little girl. She had called him at CTU and asked him when he was coming home. He told her that she should try to get some rest and that he would be home as soon as he could. Then she said something that killed him. "It's okay Daddy, you like being at work more then you do home" He tried to explain to her that this wasn't true, but to no avail.

By the time he came out of his thoughts, he found that he had started walking, were to, he really didn't know. He ran one hand through his short blonde hair and sighed. It was times like this he really wished Audrey was around.

She was always good to him. She loved him, he knew that, and he loved her. It was hard for him to love again after Teri got killed. Every night for years those few moments of finding her lying on the floor, blood all around her pale body, holding her, almost surprised at the fact that she was still warm, giving him false hope that she could still be alive, played over and over in his head. He wasn't sure if was because he felt that it was all his fault and he was punishing himself, or if it was because he was afraid that he would forget. He did love Teri, but never fully, because he couldn't be honest with her. With Audrey, it was different. There was something there that he could never have with Teri. Audrey knew who he was, and accepted it. He could never tell Teri half the things he did, due to national security, due to his own conscience, and for fear that she would turn away from him. When he first fell in love with Audrey, he was afraid. Afraid that the woman he loved would be killed.

Years and years went by, all of them uneventful. Then one cool October night, it happened. They were in pursuit of a suspect, and Jack told him to drop his weapon. When he didn't, Jack threatened to shoot him. The man went to place his weapon on the ground, but before he did, he shot Audrey. Jack quickly shot the man, and radioed for help. Then Jack raced to Audrey's side, holding her small hand in his, and told her that everything would be okay, that she would be fine, that soon, they would go to some nice far away place and spend weeks with each other on some reclusive beach somewhere. And that he loved her. That he loved her more then he could ever tell her, more then she could ever know, and that if she died, he would die to. She looked up at him, with her eyes glazed over, and told him that she loved him too, and that she was sorry. His blue eyes were now filled wit tears as he looked down at her. Tears were running down his face, and his chin. He kept chanting 'please hold on Audrey, hold on. I love you, please'. She looked up at him, tears now streaming down her face, whispered 'I love you jack', and then she hand went limp in his. He cried out, holding her in his arms, crying into her hair, hoping, wishing, praying, that this was all a dream, and that he would wake up, and she would be lying there next to him, and that he could kiss her, tell her he loved her, and spend the rest of his life with her.

After her death, her left CTU, and never looked back. He never loved again. He couldn't. Holding Audrey that night and watching her die, just like he did Teri had killed his ability to love. When he couldn't shove his feelings away any more, he turned to drinking. That only helped for a while, and then he returned to drugs, but eventually he gave it all up, because it no longer helped him.

When he stopped walking, he found that he was in nature preserve a few miles from his house. He looked up at the stars again, and thought of Audrey. His water blue eyes welled with tears at the thought of her. Was life even worth living with out her? He knew that the answer was no. But for 5 years he had soldiered on, hoping that maybe, something would change, that maybe Kim would start to care for him again, but that night in CTU, when she wouldn't say that she loved him, couldn't even lie to him, killed every hope that he had of that.

He sat down at the edge of a pier at the preserve, and took out his gun he always carried with him. He looked at it. This was the gun he shot the man who killed Audrey with. That he killed so many people with. That he would kill himself with.

He had thought about suicide before, but had always thought of it as giving in, or as being weak, but tonight, none of that mattered. The only woman he could truly love was dead, his own flesh and blood hated him, and any closed friends he had were dead. What was left to life for?

He continued to stare at the gun. Would he see Audrey, or Teri, or Michelle, or Tony, or George again? Maybe. Maybe he would die, and he would go to heaven, and all the people he loved would be there, smiling, happy to see him. But Jack wasn't religious, and had never been. He always believed that when you died, that was it, you were dead. But now, heaven seem comforting, and it made everything seem worth it, that he would be rewarded, but he knew in the back of his mind that it was all an illusion, that he would never see any of them again, and the only thing that death would bring to him was an end to his suffering.

He slowly took the gun and placed it at his right temple. He looked up towards the dark sky, and said "I'm sorry". He didn't know if it was for all the people he killed, or all the people he couldn't save, or if was because he, Jack Bauer was giving up, and giving in. He took a picture of Audrey that he kept in his wallet out, and looked at it. He conjured up a memory of him and Audrey one morning, when they were just lying in bed, being a normal couple, holding each other, content just being there. A slight smile curved his lips, and there was a bang.


End file.
